I thought love and hatered are both, constructs of mind. I am generally very practical and analytical in approach. but this time all the philosophies, fundamentals and theories of mine have gone for a toss. it has happened to me before, but this is the worst situation i am in, it was never so intense before. this could have been infatuation, worse an obsession, but i will
fight it all out, it irritated me, how can 'E' be in priority above all i have to do. but last three months have been... i have gone crazy.... i dont know what to do I wake up and weep, already was crying in my dreams, i taste my tears while i bathe, i weep wen i sleep and could hardly sleep. It reminds me, when as a kid, i ran pillar to post, when i did not find my Papa around, i cried, i wailed i yelled, i screeched. the only things thats probably changed is the physical reactions yet awating their turn, i dont have an idea what i'll do. all that has been affected is my mental state, i have gone nuts, bolts totally dissembled. i m broke. i have lost appetiete, lost interest in almost every thing, every thing around myuniverse has gone for a toss. i can not concentrate on any thing
all i think all the time is 'E'.
may be seeing 'E' every day will make me happy i see 'E' every where, in every face, am so afraid i've stopped lookin at peoples faces. weekdays have been very bad i thought weekends would be respite when i meet up with my friends, but worse it just does not escape my mind, i dont enjoy talking to my friends anymore, i do laugh but superficially, because that's what i was known to do the best. a mention of 'E's' name and i lose my self, i can do nothing but think of 'E'.... i am not blaming 'E' for this,i can never blame people for what's going wrong with me, as it is none of the fault of 'E' may be i am not, i dont know what to say.
wen i donot see E, i repent, wen i see E,my heart beats faster i just want to escape the situation. wen i dont think of 'E', i realise that i m still thinking of 'E'. In all the three cases i m drawn
deeper into the mire, there's no escape.
may be there is, should i say it all to 'E'or any body, will that make me feel lighter, well it does not make a big difference to me i am a loser, a born loser, i can face rejection, shame, disgrace
any thing, but i still think of 'E', it shall shatter the whole world around 'E'. and to friends "tell your secret to the winds, but dont blame them for telling it to the trees".i just can not be selfish
either the secret dies by it self or shall be set on fire with me.
i havent faced such a dilemma earlier, but i shall not give up. more than that, i feel i donot deserve 'E', luck to have known 'E' i dont believe in luck n rebirth, but beliefs flushed,
may be in my next life, yes i want to be reborn, worthy enough for 'E'....for this time i want the lady luck to treat me as i've treated her, by ignoring me, i have nothing to give to 'E' ... 'E' is just too good for me, E is a thousand dreams . 'E' is so good that 'E' has the world to choose from, i doubt if i deserved 'E's friendship, but i will find none better than 'E'
if somebody asks me whos 'E', well i've already given an answer "either the secret dies by it self or shall be set on fire with me." i dont know where the life takes me from here, as i things have
always happened to me, i have been a follower of life, never could lead it. i have never been like this before, never ever cried like this if the situation doesnt kill me ... i dont have clue how to get
over it.
