arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhh !!!!

mera bhi Great Depression (seriously: being serious kills you, culls your head off, drains you KREATIVE energy, puts you in such a situation, you'll never recover)

i need Stimulus

i want to file for bankruptcy(get me that form: i dont rem the number form 16 is it)

accha return file karne ka .. its as good or bad as bankruptcy for me

plz a bail out package for me too

i want to recover

its a vicious a cycle, we seek bail out (getting out of depression) 

a construct of our mind, again by using our mind (controlling your thought flow by becoming more thougth ful)

i am confused, is it a case of putting off fire by using fire

one never knows, mind is such a machine

a being inside my being, i wonder whether we'll ever be able to control our minds

or rather the case is other way round

the mind games, well "the thinking from Heart is all for PROSE & POETRY (rhetoric: if it is the right use of words), 

before suggesting "Follow your HEART",  ha ha 

(well in that case I shall beat 60 to 90 times per minute, as a healthy young adult : beat what)

the question is whether we really think from HEART

well if that phrase has been in existence for long, there should be a reason, 

lets try to discover whats  reasonably true 

rather what part of our brain takes such Emotional decision ( may be as opposed to rational)

which might lead to some conclusion

for me its time to conclude .. i am not getting emotional for this topic nor am i following my heart

sort terem mamory los ..

"how can a disease be a cure" ... simple 

i tell u a sort istory

like always once UP ON THE time (not the cover of time maagaajhine)

there was a little puppy ... happens to be a istory of Pappu and Puppy

with unintentional mistake of his own Pappu makes the Puppy's life hell

for Connotations I shall use He for both Pappu and Puppy(yes .. a male dog)

for it doesnot matter as we are all the sons of same phaddar (according to Hindu Philosophy)

& we should not fight over religion, region and various discriminaitons through which we like to group each other & discriminate.. well its a less serious topic.. let us deal with the fundamental subject of IDENTITY .. yes its a question of identity

what a lucky day it was for Puppy when HE placed his first four feet on the ground (2 first and the next 2 later to be chronologically correct).. into the vagaries of mother nature for HE never knew it was also going to be the most unlucky day of HIS short life (well if we think that life is so short .. why dont we take elongation pills) .. 

HIS very dear friend Pappu ...who was the DELIVERY BOY (pun intended whether understood or not) made the worst mistake of HIS life 

he named the Puppy -- BOW WOW (the blog should have been titled Name sake on second thoughts) 

BOW WOW wat the F**** is that an identity for the son of GOD (spelt other way round GOD_DOG) {please dont kill me for this, forgive me i am ignorant} 

when any and every dog barks in the city (BOW WOW) our little puppy rushes to them .. thinking he's being summoned. poor chap, at such a tender age (2 months) has started having spasms in the neck ... BOW WOW rushes from place to place and the barking (BOW WOW) doesnt stop.. he's so busy attending the SUMMON's, HE's got no time to eat, sleep and you know to take care of his daily (SH** and PI**) HE's really pissed off ... the life has become hell, literally, is the little puppy going to lead the same life or life has some thing more in store 

Meanwhile, Pappu is also a man of GOD, he realises what he has done and swears to find a treatment for BOW WOW, to UNBREAK BOWWOW's heart ... (his neck also) and UNCRY HIS TEARS... 

wat a pity for BOW WOW, now cant walk on his legs (any ways theres no other way to walk) .. HE's sick of running pillar to post and asking the member of HIS species (DOG's) whether they called him up or they just BOWWOWED him up .. sob poor baby

we should never forget the expanses of medical science .. lets try to find out whether the SCIENCE has problems for BOWWOW's pathetic condition and for Pappu's guilt. will BOWWOW's life be worth living again.. 

Correspondent(mockingly) - Daktar sahab is there a treatment for such a scenario in YOUR medical science

Dr Ms BHIMSHANKAR - Oh my medical science (i have done a BSc .. and DOctorate on not studying any more.. that legally makes me a doctor) .. yes its one of a kind case .. never been faced in the history of YOUR medical science .. but yes the question has the answer hidden in itself 

Correspondent- (what was the question any ways ....)

Dr Ms BHIMSHANKAR - the solution is HTML oh sorry STML ... or abbreviation for SORT TEREM MAMORY LOS...  the poor fellow (I mean BOWWOW) should forget HIS name every now and then, it will never matter to HIM what his name was.. no matter how many UNCLE & AANTIES of his kall him, i mean Bark .. he never understands any thing.. not a word which is said .. any ways DOGS are not adept at using CAMERAS and Writing instruments, it kills the chances of BOWWOW writing HIS name any where .. and HE's free 

IT REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE

Correspondent- (now seems to believe, as his/her (gender never matters) inclination is more scientific, and never in his/her life has he/she seen such a logical explanation)

A fellow Doctor - YES YES .,, if you see SAAR its actually a disease that has become a cure (the real consultant) it will surely cure PAPPU

Correspondent- Arrey Madam its not about PAPPU .. usko toh koi problem hi nahi hai 

Fellow Doctor- SAARY SAARY (sari sari) .. now i understand its about BOW WOW (a loud)

BOWWOW ( a bewlidered look, talking in his language)- ** dear madam in the white dress .. did you call me **** (so cute poor little baby)

Dr Ms BHIMSHANKAR - (interfers) .. i mean to say finally this should help

at the end putting and end to BOWWOW's WOES (called BOWWOWWOE, thats a biological term believe me), the operation is sucessful 

NOTE: the operation could not be shown nor discussed, because when we applied to the SENSOR (or Sesex or sensous or sensible) board of India .. they gave an A certificate (now we are waiting for the public to give an A to our beautiful fable).. now the operation remains behind the scenes .. T&C apply****

*** you can always log on to www.urtube.com for the operation>

and BOW WOW is not BOWWOW any more .. he keeps forgetting ( spiritually this is the right state to be in: Krisna) .. he keeps forgetting every little detail .. for instance that HE is a dog and needs to raise 3 legs before peeing.

any ways BOWWOW (or an anonymous spiritual creature) is not a dog any more .. HE's a new AVATAR .. with his admirably cute GHAJINI CUT and partially visible 8 packs HE's now the "WUFF (read talk) of the town .. now its springs in his legs and spring in his life as some one has breathed in new moments in his life" 

Pappu has been awarded by Ms Maine kaha Gandi .. for his unprecedented contribution to animal planet .. what matters to him more though that his Buddy BOWWOW is out of a terrible state he put him in. he is so thankful to Dr Ms BHIMASHANKAR

Daaktar and the correspondent are now very happy for yet another victory of "SCIENCE AGAINST GOD" (but they forget ..it was the unshakable faith of Pappu that brought them ashore) 

Happy Ending friends .. WUFF FUUF BOWWOW

Watt is the unit of Power??

how can i live a dream, if i dont have any

watt can i do if life happens to me 

if its honesty, i honestly accept that i've never been honest

if its bravery, i boldy accept that i am coward

if its confidence, then i confidenly say "I CAN NOT DO IT"

but cant say, the world sees, and we care about the world all the more

though deep inside, its a wild un-controlled river of "PESSIMISM" that flows

i fake it, i am confident and damn i am good at that

its a guilt that will ever lie, that will never die

that i fake it, yes its all fake, that i laugh, i am good, i am happy

it usually takes over, then i say "I AM SORRY, I CAN NOT DO IT"

watt do i work for, if i have no desires no interests

i am not competitive, neither am i competing

nor i've joined any race, except the "HUMAN RACE" (so called)

every body around me is better than me

"i exist only because i exist"

it hurts though, i am flesh and blood, and the only thing i care for is my flesh and blood

i've never seen such "self centered" a being as me, nor will i ever see

i've no emotional attachements to nothing, nobody 

and when i say no-body and nothing, i mean it

i hold no responsibility nor do i want to hold any

it may seem exaggerated, after all this, mentioned above, but i think too

in fact tooo much, 

but the only thing i've thought the most about is me

every morning i hope something better out of me 

every next morning i have to hope the same 

if i started this life with -1, after all these years i am still there

if this is persistance, then i am consitently im-persistent

one "silver lining", i am very low on self confidence. and the most i expect out of me 

so i dont bother people with expectations, yes i dont have any

as i said, i think a lot, all but myself, can write a SAGA of my under achievements

but i am a dog, emotions vapourise quickly, i forget

i forget wen i am beaten, hold grudge for a moment a few, the scars on the body may persist

i forget wen i am kicked, wen i am let down, wen i am embarrased, wen i am disgraced

i forget the failure, so i never win, as if winning is watt that never matters to me

as a child winning was fun, but as i depart from "-1" i begun from, it no more matters 

i dont care, 

if that is being unique, then yes i am, 

though i remember wat people did good to me, because all i can see is quality in people (every body is better than me)

and then i compare, i want to rise, that disturbs my "-1" equilibrium

it makes my Lovely Life hell

after all i am flesh and blood, then i say "hey pal dont think a lot, stop thinking for a moment"

then i say "that's the most difficult thing to do and i like challenges as long as i am not involved" then i say "hey mate but that is life ... it is as natural as the breath u take, as natural as the food you eat" 

then i say "hey freind, but why isn't it FUN any more, it is fast depleting, like dews vanish when the sun is around"

then i want to say "NO MORE, buddy, you are impossible" 

why dont you just "GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE" 

then i am honestly dishonest, i dont FOLLOW wat i SAY

every morning .. i want to be honest with the one i think the most "ME"

and follow wat I SAY 

and "JUST GET ON WITH THE LIFE"

लक्ष्य नहीं क्षितिज है !!!!!

मन हारकर कहता, लक्ष्य नहीं क्षितिज है 

फिर उत्साहित, यह अंत नहीं क्षितिज है!!!!

मैं किन्कर्तव्यविमुध, थक कर चूर 

मैं जितना समीप पहुँचता, लक्ष्य उतना ही दूर 

यह लक्ष्य नहीं क्षितिज है......

पर थमना नहीं, रुकना नहीं, थकना नहीं 

चलते रहना, लड़ते रहना 

जीवन का ध्येय है, बढ़ते रहना 

हिम्मत कर सहसा यह मन कहता 

यह अंत नहीं क्षितिज है यह अंत नहीं क्षितिज है ......

life beyond 'E'

I thought love and hatered are both, constructs of mind. I am generally very practical and analytical in approach. but this time all the philosophies, fundamentals and theories of mine have gone for a toss. it has happened to me before, but this is the worst situation i am in, it was never so intense before. this could have been infatuation, worse an obsession, but i will 

fight it all out, it irritated me, how can 'E' be in priority above all i have to do. but last three months have been... i have gone crazy.... i dont know what to do I wake up and weep, already was crying in my dreams, i taste my tears while i bathe, i weep wen i sleep and could hardly sleep. It reminds me, when as a kid, i ran pillar to post, when i did not find my Papa around, i cried, i wailed i yelled, i screeched. the only things thats probably changed is the physical reactions yet awating their turn, i dont have an idea what i'll do. all that has been affected is my mental state, i have gone nuts, bolts totally dissembled. i m broke. i have lost appetiete, lost interest in almost every thing, every thing around myuniverse has gone for a toss. i can not concentrate on any thing

all i think all the time is 'E'.

may be seeing 'E' every day will make me happy i see 'E' every where, in every face, am so afraid i've stopped lookin at peoples faces. weekdays have been very bad i thought weekends would be respite when i meet up with my friends, but worse it just does not escape my mind, i dont enjoy talking to my friends anymore, i do laugh but superficially, because that's what i was known to do the best. a mention of 'E's' name and i lose my self, i can do nothing but think of 'E'.... i am not blaming 'E' for this,i can never blame people for what's going wrong with me,  as it is none of the fault of 'E' may be i am not, i dont know what to say.

wen i donot see E, i repent, wen i see E,my heart beats faster i just want to escape the situation. wen i dont think of 'E', i realise that i m still thinking of 'E'. In all the three cases i m drawn

deeper into the mire, there's no escape.

may be there is, should i say it all to 'E'or any body, will that make me feel lighter, well it does not make a big difference to me i am a loser, a born loser, i can face rejection, shame, disgrace

any thing, but i still think of 'E', it shall shatter the whole world around 'E'. and to friends "tell your secret to the winds, but dont blame them for telling it to the trees".i just can not be selfish

either the secret dies by it self or shall be set on fire with me.

i havent faced such a dilemma earlier, but i shall not give up. more than that, i feel i donot deserve 'E', luck to have known 'E' i dont believe in luck n rebirth, but beliefs flushed,

may be in my next life, yes i want to be reborn, worthy enough for 'E'....for this time i want the lady luck to treat me as i've treated her, by ignoring me, i have nothing to give to 'E' ... 'E' is just too good for me, E is a thousand dreams . 'E' is so good that 'E' has the world to choose from, i doubt if i deserved 'E's friendship, but i will find none better than 'E'

if somebody asks me whos 'E', well i've already given an answer "either the secret dies by it self or shall be set on fire with me." i dont know where the life takes me from here, as i things have

always happened to me, i have been a follower of life, never could lead it. i have never been like this before, never ever cried like this if the situation doesnt kill me ... i dont have clue how to get

over it. 

एक कविता - ऊँगली

चढ़ता सूरज, भरी दुपहरी, मेज़ पे बैठा मैं और एक भारी भरकम किताब

न जाने कब आँख लग गई, शायद दिमाग ने घुटने टेक दिए

और फिर किताब से दूर एक सुहाना सपन 11

1.. दरिया किनारे खुली तेज़ हवा में, बालों को सहलाती ऊँगली

यारों से मस्ती में हाथ मिलाती ऊँगली

कभी खेत खलिहानों में नई फसल को छूती तो कभी बाग़ के फूलों की खूबसूरती निहारती ऊँगली

जवानी के जोश में आ गाड़ी को तेज़ भागती ऊँगली

कभी नाव में बैठ लहरों पर , ठंडे पानी का लुत्फ़ उठती ऊँगली

आम सेब अंगूर पेड़ पर चढ़ कर तोड़ती उनका रस लेती ऊँगली

2 ...बल्ले के हंडल को पकड़, या गेंद को फिरकी देकर मजे करती यह ऊँगली

फुटबाल के लिए तैयार, फीते कसती यह ऊँगली

कभी शतरंज की मोहरों को , कभी मंझा घोटती पतंग को इशारों पर नाचती उंगली

लकड़ी छील कर गुल्ली डंडा बनती ये ऊँगली

3.... "अरे लड़ते क्यों हो, रुक जाओ, दो तलवारों के बीच यह ऊँगली

कभी दुआ मांगती, कभी प्रणाम करती, कभ सीने से लग विधाता को याद करती यह ऊँगली

कहते हैं, कलम में तलवार से ज़्यादा ताक़त है, अंगारे भरे छंद लिखती यह ऊँगली

हिम्मत करके अन्याय के विरुद्ध उठती यह ऊँगली

४..... नौकरी लग चुकी, काम का टेंशन सर पकड़ती सर दबाती या कभी बाल नोचती ये ऊँगली

दुकान में बैठ कर दिन रात नोटों की जुगत लगाती ऊँगली ॥

ट्रेनों या बसों में लटक कर घर से दफ्तर और दफ्तर से घर चक्कर लगाती ऊँगली

काम का टेंशन घर ला ला कर , बोतलें उडेलती , शराब के ग़म में डूबती फिर बीवी बच्चों को रुलाती यह ऊँगली

सिगरेट के छल्लों में जिंदगी को धुआं करती ये मौत का इंतज़ार करती ऊँगली

क्या यही जीवन है । और क्या यूंही जीना है कार का स्टीरिंग पकड़ गहरी सोच में डूबी ऊँगली

भीख मंगाते बच्चों के हाथ पकड़ उन्हें सही रास्ता दिखलाती । भूख से बिलखते बच्चे को पीट रही दुखियारी माँ को आश्वासन देती ऊँगली ।

अरे कब तक अपना सर पकडू और कब तक अपने ही आँसू पोछूं । क्या में अकेला ही हूँ जिसे तकलीफ है

एक रोते हुए बच्चे को पुचकारती उसके आँसू पोंछ पेट में गुदगुदी कर प्यारे गलों पर हाथ फिराती नन्हे होटों पर मुस्कान लती ऊँगली । किसी वृद्ध की छड़ी की जगह ले या किसी अंधे को सड़क के पार लगाती ऊँगली

छोटे छोटे हाथ पकड़ कर अलिफ़ बे क ख ग घ सिखलाती ऊँगली

उनको समझा कर आदर्श बता कर सही जीवन जीना सिखलाती ऊँगली 5

5 ...... उफ़ यह क्या सहसा ही ट्रैफिक खुल गया , सड़क समय की रफ्तार से चलदी

शायद में ज़्यादा सो गया था । यह ऊँगली में दर्द कैसा, नीली पड़ गई है , सारा गरम उबलता जवान लहू जम गया सा लगता है

शायद मोटी किताब के तले दबी ही रह गई ऊँगली । हाँ दबी रह गई ऊँगली ।

(नि : स्वार्थ )

hey thats my profile... ( how can i limit myself to 1200 words only)

i(lets excuse modesty for few moments)am a plain JAIN.
though jainism happnd to me only at the time of my birth.(keeps happening to me some times in a year), one important thing i learnt was to sympathize, though i have pretty less sympathy towards mankind."as i believe there are more people to help, then actually those in need, yet help doesn't reach many (ironical).and the mankind is responsible for most of its problems.
I sympathize with animals(not social)"i believe there would SOON be more people trying to help animals survive, THEN THE NUMBER OF ANIMALS ACTUALLY SURVIVING ON THE PLANET"
Im a simpleTON(yes TONS of simplicity)and extraordinary(yes there's some EXTRA ordinaryNESS in me).struggling to keep track with the pace of HI-society (those who say HI instead of namaste).
Life's been a cake walk. all my problems are selfcreated and confusions selfmade.im utterly selfcritical(to the point that I usually demotivate myself).
half the time i spend grappling with these selfmade problems.half on deciding what to do.half contemplating thoughts of looking better than what i am, being taller.half of the time deciding to do what i thought. half of the time thinking to change my way of thinking... adding all these halfs i have more than (2.5) ample time on my hands.and i just do nothing. (ardent supporter of living life as it comes, and hardly making any efforts).. and they say Indians are better thinkers than they doers... so finally...on the sunrise of 26th year of my life i decided i should do something.
i started to blog."as they say EASIER SAID THAN DONE" I say "easier thought than said". failures to me are order of the day(i am not happy with them, though they r still the best thing that happened to me).though i doubt whether i learn any thing, but atleast they are the testimony that i tried something. and i regret not trying enoug in my life. at the sunset of 26th year of mu life i finally decide that "RUNNING" can solve my problems(self created)& help me not becoming other's problem (instead solving their problems)... now easier said than done and easier thought than said.. i donot run instead i let my thougts RUN and i blog..i urge people to blog..not to bury their thoughts with them self.to make their ideas immortal.
can we believe (or this is what we believe) "Optimism is arrogance, ignorance and immaturity... pessimism is pragmatism". the more we know the more fearful we become, knowledge prevents from taking risks. to know the outcomes and then take risks is bravery (some may call it foolishness, but it all depends on the outcome), you have to be passionate, that burning desire... to die for some reason. once i do it that is the only and greatest achievement i'll have in my life.
i've made lots of friends in the journey till now, i feel i donot deserve. i m not worthy of (as inherently i donot hold any responsibility towards any one, i dont want to) and it will happen one day that destiny would shear away all my friends ( i wish i am lying.. as i've done no bad but done nothing good too). this is equally true for my siblings, relatives and PARENTS. a relationship means a HUMONGOUS responsibility to me. what matters to me is not even me (as i say i have no interests & passions).. may be another reason possibly is i donot want to transfer this STD (socially transferable disease) called pessimism (i am a bundle of negativity, even my blood group is B-ve).
my life is a struggle against my pessimism (and i am not interested.. ultimately the pessimism triumphs).. and i dont want other's to be tormented by this negativity.
and a sharp contrast.. i love to laugh and smile, which is often misunderstood as optimistic behaviour. of course its not split personality disorder (like i m not writing what i m writing HA HA) but may be just underserved blessings in form of a good family and good friends.
over and above that i expect miracles from my self.. every morning i wake up healthy n beautiful to change this world for better HA HA... but friends one thing that i know is that... i need a miracle ..... because a miracle is what it will take for me to join the ranks of so called average human race.